This is really taboo for me to bring up- its just one of those big questions I have about life and Ive been wondering about for at least 10 years. Being a wedding photographer, I usually see the happy side of marriage, everything is perfect and wonderful between the couple- blissful really! I do not think anyone would ever get married thinking that it would be a good idea to fall out of love in a few years, yet it happens all the time. It happens so often (Divorce rates hover around 50% or more) Some couples work at it and stay together happily, others give up and quit. If I am good friends with someone who has gone through this I try to pick their brain a little and learn from it. I have been in love before, its both intoxicating and blinding just as much as it is wonderful and dreamy. I have a theory on this, but before I spilled what I thought I would ask the more experienced audience what they think:
Why do married couples fall out of Love? Is there a common theme or just a plethora of random deal breakers?
Have you ever read, "Love Languages" it is a good read and answers the question in a way that will make you understand not just your relationship with a spouse but friends too!
Yes I have, it is a wonderful book!
Interesting. Kelly, great thoughts I agree with what you are saying. It’s a magical unknown journey in the beginning, lots of discovery and mystery.
There are situations where major deal breakers come into play but those deal breakers in most cases are a result of a relationship already in crisis.
I don’t know about divorce. I’ve been with my husband for over 26 years (since high school). I don’t think we had a strong relationship until about 15 years ago – so I tend to not really count the first 15 because we were stupid kids trying to find our way and at about 7 years into our marriage it would have been soooo easy to walk away. We almost did. It was HARD work to stay together! The hardest thing I ever did but it made us grow up and fight hard for each other and our family. For a couple of dumb kids that shouldn’t have made it – we have a relationship that works for US and a relationship we WORK for.
So many times we get wrapped up in the busy daily lives we weave, just function to survive without taking notice that our time spent on the relationship is minimal and lacking. You can get comfortable and take it for granted. Needs stop getting met, life pitches some situations that cause people to change. If you are lucky you grow and change together and not take separate paths. We have different interests and a lot of the times are going in different directions but at the end of the day we are together.
Eliminate the insecurity, the jealousy, allow individualism and just don’t forget to LOVE. It’s amazing how 2 strong individuals can be a great team. Not every relationship style works for everyone, find style that works for you TWO and work hard at it. It’s worth having.
Selfishness, a lack of communication, an unwillingness to compromise, unbalanced priorities, poor boundaries, comparison (comparison ALWAYS destroys contentment, i.e. what would it be like if….?).
deep question…one could answer all the obvious reasons such as adultery, affairs, fighting and fussing, financial problems, differences of opinions on child-rearing, no common activities or interests… growing apart…but the greatest reason I see divorces happening is people’s priorities are screwed up. God is supposed to be first, family second and work 3rd, and that that is the order God wants. A couple with a Christ centered marriage puts Him first by praying together and praying for each other, worshiping together, and raising their family by biblical principles. The husband is commanded by God to love his wife more than himself and the wife is to be supportive and submissive to the husband, and they are to be like-minded when it comes to raising and training children. Money and work supply the needs for the family but they should never be more important than the relationship with God and each other or they becomes idols..
You only fall "out of love" because love is a choice and you choose to stop loving your spouse for whatever reason – maybe loving someone else or something else like work. We need to continue to choose to love each day and then the right feeling follow after!
Many many books have been written on this subject. But if I had to pick a common theme – I would say selfishness is the main culprit – on one or both people. Why are they selfish? It is another topic altogether. That is my opinion anyway.