A few years ago I began to notice a trend in some of my relationships with friends and loved ones.
I have big aspirations and with these aspirations come doubts, because I am not always sure how I will accomplish them or even if I am capable. Naturally, I would go to friends or relatives just to bounce ideas off them and I noticed something….
Many of them reacted negatively. Not in the sense of “this is a bad idea because of this and that….” but more of a “you cant do that…” Or “you are going to get screwed” but they couldn’t tell me why. (A confession: I silently label these individuals as “poo-poo-ers” and no, secretly, I don’t like them at all.) If someone can give me good evidence for doubt is one thing, if they give doubt/negativity for the sake of doubt/negativity, thats another.
In some ways it reminded me of Russia, as, at least when I was there, some Russians would take great offense if you told them you were having a good day, as it had a supposed underhanded meaning of “I am doing much better than you”. You would often hear Russians say “Awful” when asked how their day was going.
The surprising thing to me about this, is there isnt a cut and dry reason why friends may be negative towards big dreams. Its amazing to me how much positive feedback I get from complete strangers and at times some of my closest friends are indifferent or actively negative towards me. Don’t get me wrong, some of my biggest support has come from close friends, and unfortunately, some of the greatest negativity has come from those closest to me. Is there a relationship of resentment to another’s prospect of success, simply because they are familiar? Im not sure, but it makes me wonder…..
Not long ago I was eating dinner with some friends. One of them mentioned she would like to buy a camera and become a children’s photographer. I could tell she was a little anxious about announcing this in front of her family, as if it was the first time she was letting this idea out. I was surprised to see how many of them, in unison no less, immediately began to shoot her down. This was a little sad because I could see that sparkle of excitement in her eye quickly disappear.
In the forums, as well as in my emails, I see a lot of beginning photographers who show their first few pictures and all they are looking for is just a little bit of encouragement and once they get it, they explode in creativity and confidence. Words are so powerful.
This led me to a very conscious life strategy which I recommend to everyone, and have mentioned before:
1. Surround yourself with positive people.
2. Avoid negative people as much as possible. This includes my own thoughts towards myself and others. Do not allow yourself to marinate in negativity. In my opinion, yes, it is completely worth throwing away a relationship if that relationship constantly brings you down or makes you depressed. (To me, “Turn the other cheek” doesn’t mean to stick around to let it continue.)
3. Be on the constant look out to support others in their aspirations and reflect their enthusiasm.
Looking back, I can say this is probably one of the wisest things I did to get going with photography, and much of my best support came from near strangers who shared the same interest.
This scenario forced me to carefully consider why I am “friends” with someone, and I realized something….we all have different reasons for being friends with whom we are friends.
Why are you friends with your friends?
Do you just like them?
Do you like the same things?
Do you just “click”?
I hate to say this, but answers like these are vague.
Answers such as:
– I like the way they look
– They are popular
– They are fun to go drinking with
Are so shallow, but dang…. they are honest.
Answers like:
– They are nice (which I dont always believe is the case- many friends are a source of great heartache)
– I enjoy being with them
– I feel comfortable around them
– I love them
Are also a little too vague for me. WHY- Are these the case?
In any event, this has caused me to reflect on who I label a friend.
I am learning that true friends are willing to sacrifice for each other’s benefit, without expectation of return, but it still doesnt answer the question of WHY?
Why are you friends with your friends?
You can count your real friends on one hand.
A true friend to me is one who is there through thick and thin. One who will give their honest opinion on any subject.
Even if they do not agree with choices you make, support you none the less.
It sounds to me Michael, that you have learned the secret.
Here is a link to it.
http://www.thesecret.tv/
It talks about everything you just said.
Personally, for me, friends are just friends. Not that I don’t value friendship, but as you mentioned: "many friends are a source of great heartache" (that is well put).
I value true friends more than friends. If the question is why are you friends with your true friends?
The answer is simple:
Because they have proven many times that they are there when I need them.
By the way, love your blog posts and tutorials in youtube.
Keep up the good work Michael.
You’re the best!
-they see in you what they lack and vice versa
-you use them for your own selfish needs
-perhaps they are different facets of your own personality
regardless of the reasons there are friends you keep for life and friends you have for a moment, i think what is most important is how good of a friend you are.
My friends like ME! They accept me as I am. I love them for that. We tell each other the truth. My spouse is one of them.
cb
I tried to support a very good friend of mine in starting her own business. It was risky and I had my doubts, but it was what she had dreamed of. I never let her know what I really thought. I just tried to be positive. The bank is about to take her home now. Maybe it isn’t about people being negative. Maybe the people who care about us the most are the people who want us to be cautious. I think there has to be people taking the opposite side, so that we take a good look at what the possible outcomes might be instead of what we want them to be. Good friends stand by us even if we don’t follow what they have said. I know I want my real friends to be able to say what they want to say instead of what I want them to say. I have learned my lesson. I am supportive when my friends make a decision to do something, but I also speak up. No matter what, I am happy when my friends succeed and I am there for them when they fall. It is the same for the few people I call my true friends.
I have several people in my life I consider to be friends, and I choose them as friends because of who they are. HOWEVER, I don’t have a multitude of counselors..only 2. If I looked to all my friends for approval or support, I’d be upset all the because they’re all coming from a different place than where I’m at. I allow them their opinions, their thoughts, and I allow them to be their own person. The only voices I allow to have weight in any decision I make or any support I need are my husband’s and God’s. And I can continue to love my friends unconditionally..
I think first you must learn to be your own best friend and then you can never be hurt or let down, because you only decide to feel that way and no one else.
Friends are people, and people have faults, they always will. You must decide everyday if to let things and people get to you or just keep moving along. It is an extremely hard and frustrating thing, but life would not be worth living without it.
People complain when there is stress in their lives, and then complain more or rather find things to complain about when there is none.
You alone can make that choice!
Thank you for this! It seems that for the past few months, I have constantly been around negativity and all of this has made me feel trapped. I recently became "cleansed" of all of my negativity, and have been enjoying life again. It amazes me that I came across one of your tutorials online for the Canon XSi (which I recently purchased), and then found this wonderful blog on your site. Fate definitely works in mysterious ways!!
Because they have stuck with me for years, and I have stuck by them through thick and thin. Because they answer me straight and honestly when I question them about anything and if we disagree or get in an argument it is quickly resolved and they are quick to forgive. Ultimately they love and support me, and I them. They, my best friends, have and are willing to as you said sacrifice for me, just as I have and would for them. I liked this post…I have to say, it’s tough when the negative ones are family…it’s amazing how certain family members seemingly, no matter what I say, disagree and are negative, and I have caught myself reacting the same way when I am around them and sometimes with others…something that I have been working on for years to change about myself…
It seems as if every friend that I have had has taken advantage of me or something. Oh, and girls are too gossipy. I’d rather hang out with the guys any day. Such a difference of being laid back.
Michael, you are amazing, gifted AND WISE. I am quite impressed with your openess and honesty! I am thrilled about this particular blog and fascinated by the number of people who are like you "not afraid to share" their innermost thoughts. My background is in psychology and I often find that a lot of the people in my life are not DEEP enough. They keep relationships on a safe and superficial level. They never ask for anything, out of fear that they will "owe" somebody. I grew up mostly in Europe and the mentality or definition regarding "friends" are very different. Living in the South, I had to learn and adjust to concepts that were completely unknown to me. Growing up, when somebody liked someone or didn’t like someone it was plain and simple and made apparent. There was no SMILING in my face, along with an invitation to do coffee or lunch while that same person was lodging a knife in my back. Anyway…I am friends with my true friends, because I can count on them and they can count on me — in good times AND in bad times, may it be moving truckloads of furniture and boxes on moving day, celebrating joyous & special occasions or crying with them during times of hardship, disappointments or losses.
PS: "It takes a village to raise a child". Eveyone has heard that phrase right? Families have become more and more nucleus over time and there is no more "village" or extended family and neigbors etc. to help with the nurturing and raising of children. Parents are in fear of bad influences and child molesters and friends & neigbors are in fear of being accused of a number of things. Therefore, everyone stays to themselves, not bothering others or being bothered by others. I see and know so many people who are and have been deprived of true meaningful, supportive, encouraging, nurturing relationships that they walk around like numb, empty shells. I get really excided when I encounter people who are open & honest and not afraid to share their thoughts, fears and emotions. After all, we all have them!!! Keep up the great work and continue blessing people with "YOU" 🙂
Unlike some others, I do not believe that every person we come into contact with is sent from God and I do not believe that everyone I come in contact with has something valuable to teach me. I think this is extremely dangerous thinking. I lost my job in April, and I have to say, it was the best thing that could have happened to me. The job and the people that I was around daily were sucking the life out of me. I was getting depressed and frankly, every day I spent there and with the people, was sucking the life out of me. None of these are any characteristics of the God I worship and know and I cannot fathom that a God that loves me wants me to go to work and listen to the things I listened to and experienced the things I experienced. I do believe this, people that are the closest to you or that you are around most, can often be the most resentful of your aspirations. It’s like your desires and aspirations are threatening to them. I think it points out their own insecurities and it’s hard for them to stand in the light of your excitement and hope for a better life, future, etc. I am to the point in my life that I have no desire to be around this type of person. I am like you, Michael, in that I don’t like them and I don’t want them in my life. When I was younger, I would have stayed around them but now I don’t consider a momentary laugh from a silly joke enough reason to be around someone that would suck the life out of me and quash my dreams and aspirations. And to the comment someone said about see what God is teaching you, remember, Jesus had this same problem in Nazareth. He didn’t hang with them either. There is no successful person that would tell you that you should learn from everyone. On the contrary, they tell you to cut yourself off from these people. And what a coincidence that Jesus did the same thing. He said he did nothing that God didn’t tell him to do. Apparently, God showed him that you have to separate yourself from certain people and relationships. Why? Not everyone has something to teach you that you want…or need…to learn. And in reference to the ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ comment. Yikes. When I learn the values and ideas of many people who are around me…neighbors, co-workers, etc…they would NEVER have any hand in the raising of my grandson. My children are adults so the only little ones in my family now is my nieces and nephews and grandson. I can safely say that my kids and sisters and brothers in law would say there is no way in Hades that the village will have a say in the raising of our children. I have more not in common with my neighbors than I have with them. They are very nice people and pleasant to have a conversation with when we see each other outside, but socially we would have nothing in common and though they are not what one would consider evil or bad people, they simply do not hold the same ethics and morals I do.