Viewing one post | view all recent posts
Why Michael Andrew is still single....
I am often asked “Michael Andrew…why are you still single? You seem relatively sane, kind, not too ugly, yada, yada. I usually say something to the effect of: “Im extremely picky” or “Just haven’t found the right one yet” or “The good Lord hasn’t blessed me with such an opportunity”. All of these ARE true…however, what I really mean is, well I have unusual experiences with women I date.
The following is a list of pseudo personalities that somehow seem to manifest themselves in a person I may be interested in. They drive me freaking NUTS. Yes…each of these have been enough for me to instantly lose interest in a person. Here we go:
1. The Cutter Offer- I am a very good listener and try to do so 90% of the time. You monologue for a half hour and then ask me a question, I begin to answer but you cut me off mid sentence. If I really, really like you...I will wait until you are done talking. If I answer and you cut me off again, all interest is now out the window. The best part about this one is, I may subtly point this out to you, you acknowledge it, and then continue to do it.
2. Minutia Magnification- The willingness to argue over absolutely meaningless topics....just to prove a point.
3. One Upping- If I share something cool that happened during the day, week or whatever….no matter what it is say “Oh that’s nothing, I / so and so did it so much better…” Every time.
4. “Broken Record Player Asking” Ask Michael a question, he answers. Ask him again, yes, the same exact question....as if he didn’t answer you the first time. Now wait a few hours....lets ask him the SAME EXACT question again, and again, and again, and again. Dory anyone?
5. “The Blame shifter” – (AKA The Stone Cold Finger Pointer) – Hi…you are crazy. Find a way to make it my fault. Maybe your schizophrenia is in high gear…somehow, someway it is Michael Andrew’s fault. Let’s say I invite you to come spend a week on vacation with me, Ill even pay for the whole trip & you have better plans. Now its my fault for inviting you, when I “didn’t really mean to”….(uh…say again?)
6. The Date Breaker- Agree to meet with me for a nice meal or movie. Then, last second, cancel the date without an explanation or rain check. Next, call me and open the conversation as if it didn’t happen. If you feel bad about doing this, be sure to see number 5.
7. The “Lets-have-the-“talk”-asker”- So….you want to define our relationship…I can understand that, but for some reason whenever I am asked to have “the talk” suddenly I cant stop thinking about playing Halo 3. I can’t even hear you….
8. The “Ask Michael Andrew if he is busy” asker- Michael Andrew is always busy…ALWAYS….even when I am sleeping…I am busy. Even if I am not busy, I am busy being not busy.
9. Negativity Dump –truck driver – Here…back right up with you’re your little backing up siren, then dump it all in my lap. Complain to me about anything and everything that comes to mind, especially when I have no control over it or you are unwilling to do anything about it yourself. Talk to me about rising gas prices, problems in politics, your health problems, etc. Love this one.
10. "Just Kidding / Never Cry Wolf Syndrome” – Play a meaningless joke on me or anyone else in such a way that you betray trust for a laugh. Uh… did you also notice your joke wasn’t even funny?
11. “The Over Emoter”- Start a normal conversation with me and then suddenly burst out into tears in a loud baby-like-whine….it’s super attractive.
12. “The Fainter”- Randomly faint so I can carry you home…multiple times. No…I am not kidding.
13. "The Mushroom Feeder"- Feed me mushrooms. The weird thing is, I will warn the person I am dating about this... I know its my fault I dont like mushrooms (aka detritivores) and yes they make me sick...so why would anyone attempt to feed them to me. I am especially surprised at the number of women who have attempted to do this to prove some kind of point, as well as the number of women who do not consider Cream of Mushroom Soup to contain mushrooms. (Jill...I know you didnt mean it, Im actually talking about the 4 that intentionally did this).
14. "The Phone Blower Upper" Call or Text me 53 times a day, everyday....for 2 months. Even if I like you..it changes things.
15. "The Space Not Giver Upper" Follow me....everywhere.
16. "The Nagger" - Nag about something...anything. I believe this is the most cruel thing to do to another human. Just stop this please!!
The strange thing is...I know there are a dozen more...but my hard drive has been completely erased of these painful experiences. Painful not in Michael Andrew painful, Painful as in, "It hurts me to know you say/do these things without realizing it."
So…there you have why I am still single. I know many of you may or may not like this…but it is the truth. I do know that there are many normal women out there, many of whom do not have any of these personalities, it just seems that most of them are dating someone or are married.
Still, I secretly hope my future wife is reading this...just you know...FYI...
What did I miss?