I am often asked “Michael Andrew…why are you still single? You seem relatively sane, kind, not too ugly, yada, yada. I usually say something to the effect of: “Im extremely picky” or “Just haven’t found the right one yet” or “The good Lord hasn’t blessed me with such an opportunity”. All of these ARE true…however, what I really mean is, well I have unusual experiences with women I date.
The following is a list of pseudo personalities that somehow seem to manifest themselves in a person I may be interested in. They drive me freaking NUTS. Yes…each of these have been enough for me to instantly lose interest in a person. Here we go:
1. The Cutter Offer- I am a very good listener and try to do so 90% of the time. You monologue for a half hour and then ask me a question, I begin to answer but you cut me off mid sentence. If I really, really like you…I will wait until you are done talking. If I answer and you cut me off again, all interest is now out the window. The best part about this one is, I may subtly point this out to you, you acknowledge it, and then continue to do it.
2. Minutia Magnification- The willingness to argue over absolutely meaningless topics….just to prove a point.
3. One Upping- If I share something cool that happened during the day, week or whatever….no matter what it is say “Oh that’s nothing, I / so and so did it so much better…” Every time.
4. “Broken Record Player Asking” Ask Michael a question, he answers. Ask him again, yes, the same exact question….as if he didn’t answer you the first time. Now wait a few hours….lets ask him the SAME EXACT question again, and again, and again, and again. Dory anyone?
5. “The Blame shifter” – (AKA The Stone Cold Finger Pointer) – Hi…you are crazy. Find a way to make it my fault. Maybe your schizophrenia is in high gear…somehow, someway it is Michael Andrew’s fault. Let’s say I invite you to come spend a week on vacation with me, Ill even pay for the whole trip & you have better plans. Now its my fault for inviting you, when I “didn’t really mean to”….(uh…say again?)
6. The Date Breaker- Agree to meet with me for a nice meal or movie. Then, last second, cancel the date without an explanation or rain check. Next, call me and open the conversation as if it didn’t happen. If you feel bad about doing this, be sure to see number 5.
7. The “Lets-have-the-“talk”-asker”- So….you want to define our relationship…I can understand that, but for some reason whenever I am asked to have “the talk” suddenly I cant stop thinking about playing Halo 3. I can’t even hear you….
8. The “Ask Michael Andrew if he is busy” asker- Michael Andrew is always busy…ALWAYS….even when I am sleeping…I am busy. Even if I am not busy, I am busy being not busy.
9. Negativity Dump –truck driver – Here…back right up with you’re your little backing up siren, then dump it all in my lap. Complain to me about anything and everything that comes to mind, especially when I have no control over it or you are unwilling to do anything about it yourself. Talk to me about rising gas prices, problems in politics, your health problems, etc. Love this one.
10. ‘Just Kidding / Never Cry Wolf Syndrome” – Play a meaningless joke on me or anyone else in such a way that you betray trust for a laugh. Uh… did you also notice your joke wasn’t even funny?
11. “The Over Emoter”- Start a normal conversation with me and then suddenly burst out into tears in a loud baby-like-whine….it’s super attractive.
12. “The Fainter”- Randomly faint so I can carry you home…multiple times. No…I am not kidding.
13. ‘The Mushroom Feeder’- Feed me mushrooms. The weird thing is, I will warn the person I am dating about this… I know its my fault I dont like mushrooms (aka detritivores) and yes they make me sick…so why would anyone attempt to feed them to me. I am especially surprised at the number of women who have attempted to do this to prove some kind of point, as well as the number of women who do not consider Cream of Mushroom Soup to contain mushrooms. (Jill…I know you didnt mean it, Im actually talking about the 4 that intentionally did this).
14. ‘The Phone Blower Upper’ Call or Text me 53 times a day, everyday….for 2 months. Even if I like you..it changes things.
15. ‘The Space Not Giver Upper’ Follow me….everywhere.
16. ‘The Nagger’ – Nag about something…anything. I believe this is the most cruel thing to do to another human. Just stop this please!!
The strange thing is…I know there are a dozen more…but my hard drive has been completely erased of these painful experiences. Painful not in Michael Andrew painful, Painful as in, ‘It hurts me to know you say/do these things without realizing it.’
So…there you have why I am still single. I know many of you may or may not like this…but it is the truth. I do know that there are many normal women out there, many of whom do not have any of these personalities, it just seems that most of them are dating someone or are married.
Still, I secretly hope my future wife is reading this…just you know…FYI…
What did I miss?I am often asked “Michael Andrew…why are you still single? You seem relatively sane, kind, not too ugly, yada, yada. I usually say something to the effect of: “Im extremely picky” or “Just haven’t found the right one yet” or “The good Lord hasn’t blessed me with such an opportunity”. All of these ARE true…however, what I really mean is, well I have unusual experiences with women I date.
The following is a list of pseudo personalities that somehow seem to manifest themselves in a person I may be interested in. They drive me freaking NUTS. Yes…each of these have been enough for me to instantly lose interest in a person. Here we go:
1. The Cutter Offer- I am a very good listener and try to do so 90% of the time. You monologue for a half hour and then ask me a question, I begin to answer but you cut me off mid sentence. If I really, really like you…I will wait until you are done talking. If I answer and you cut me off again, all interest is now out the window. The best part about this one is, I may subtly point this out to you, you acknowledge it, and then continue to do it.
2. Minutia Magnification- The willingness to argue over absolutely meaningless topics….just to prove a point.
3. One Upping- If I share something cool that happened during the day, week or whatever….no matter what it is say “Oh that’s nothing, I / so and so did it so much better…” Every time.
4. “Broken Record Player Asking” Ask Michael a question, he answers. Ask him again, yes, the same exact question….as if he didn’t answer you the first time. Now wait a few hours….lets ask him the SAME EXACT question again, and again, and again, and again. Dory anyone?
5. “The Blame shifter” – (AKA The Stone Cold Finger Pointer) – Hi…you are crazy. Find a way to make it my fault. Maybe your schizophrenia is in high gear…somehow, someway it is Michael Andrew’s fault. Let’s say I invite you to come spend a week on vacation with me, Ill even pay for the whole trip & you have better plans. Now its my fault for inviting you, when I “didn’t really mean to”….(uh…say again?)
6. The Date Breaker- Agree to meet with me for a nice meal or movie. Then, last second, cancel the date without an explanation or rain check. Next, call me and open the conversation as if it didn’t happen. If you feel bad about doing this, be sure to see number 5.
7. The “Lets-have-the-“talk”-asker”- So….you want to define our relationship…I can understand that, but for some reason whenever I am asked to have “the talk” suddenly I cant stop thinking about playing Halo 3. I can’t even hear you….
8. The “Ask Michael Andrew if he is busy” asker- Michael Andrew is always busy…ALWAYS….even when I am sleeping…I am busy. Even if I am not busy, I am busy being not busy.
9. Negativity Dump –truck driver – Here…back right up with you’re your little backing up siren, then dump it all in my lap. Complain to me about anything and everything that comes to mind, especially when I have no control over it or you are unwilling to do anything about it yourself. Talk to me about rising gas prices, problems in politics, your health problems, etc. Love this one.
10. ‘Just Kidding / Never Cry Wolf Syndrome” – Play a meaningless joke on me or anyone else in such a way that you betray trust for a laugh. Uh… did you also notice your joke wasn’t even funny?
11. “The Over Emoter”- Start a normal conversation with me and then suddenly burst out into tears in a loud baby-like-whine….it’s super attractive.
12. “The Fainter”- Randomly faint so I can carry you home…multiple times. No…I am not kidding.
13. ‘The Mushroom Feeder’- Feed me mushrooms. The weird thing is, I will warn the person I am dating about this… I know its my fault I dont like mushrooms (aka detritivores) and yes they make me sick…so why would anyone attempt to feed them to me. I am especially surprised at the number of women who have attempted to do this to prove some kind of point, as well as the number of women who do not consider Cream of Mushroom Soup to contain mushrooms. (Jill…I know you didnt mean it, Im actually talking about the 4 that intentionally did this).
14. ‘The Phone Blower Upper’ Call or Text me 53 times a day, everyday….for 2 months. Even if I like you..it changes things.
15. ‘The Space Not Giver Upper’ Follow me….everywhere.
16. ‘The Nagger’ – Nag about something…anything. I believe this is the most cruel thing to do to another human. Just stop this please!!
The strange thing is…I know there are a dozen more…but my hard drive has been completely erased of these painful experiences. Painful not in Michael Andrew painful, Painful as in, ‘It hurts me to know you say/do these things without realizing it.’
So…there you have why I am still single. I know many of you may or may not like this…but it is the truth. I do know that there are many normal women out there, many of whom do not have any of these personalities, it just seems that most of them are dating someone or are married.
Still, I secretly hope my future wife is reading this…just you know…FYI…
What did I miss?
Dude! Your profession means you interact with virtually HUNDREDS of drunken, weepy-eyed bridesmaids each year. Certainly no shortage of viable candidates. I found that I met more off-kilter women when I didn’t have MY stuff together. People are who they are, but I think we’re ready when we’re ready, and that "one" special person won’t arrive in our lives before we’re ready. The universe is just making things easier on you. You don’t want to meet the "kind-of-one" before you’re ready to do it right, once and for all.
Michael, I don’t think she exists 🙂 Women are just different than men. I did get a kick out of your list. I probably have been at fault for asking a question twice. I did that with you and I am just an acquaintance. That was pretty bad. Have you ever asked the women, who know you best, why they think you are still single? You have to ask the people who will be brutally honest with you. I did that recently with some of my male friends and it was a bit of an eye opener for me. I’m now working on those things. Who knows, maybe it will work. I have nothing to lose at this point.
You are learning some very important things in your dating….God’s showing you what you don’t want, and that’s a huge lesson, and it sounds like so far you have not settled for less than who He has planned for you. Make a list of everything you want in a woman and pray for God to send her….
Don’t worry about being picky. If you display the same kind of pride, committment and dedictation in finding a woman to love as you do in making a beautiful photograph, then someday you will be truly happy and you will make someone else truly happy. The fainter….seriously???
OMG, this was hilarious and serious at the same time Michael.
Yes I feel you when you point these things out, which I myself have been a victim of (before I got married). But the real way I think to deal with this is you need to pick out the most frustrating of the lot and then once these are not an issue try your best to work out the others by proper communication. It worked for me, and know that NO ONE shall ever be perfect.
My father told me this before I got seriously involved: "When in a relationship keep both eyes open, and when you fall in love close one eye."
sorry to break it to you but you don’t know any normal women. All women, ALL women have one or more of these personality "issues", even if you are friends with a woman that doesn’t seem to have these issues the minute you date them you will find something you don’t like. There will always be something to pick out whether it is seen before you marry or after you marry.
You know what I think strikes me about this the most? If Mark were to type his list out, he would probably list some of these exact things and I’ve got to admit that I KNOW I fall into several of the catagories.
Yes, my name is Heather Odom and I’ve been known to ask the same question several times. I’ve been known to be a "cutter off". I’ve even been known to be a "one upper" (especially when it comes to my kids).
Am I proud of these things, No! I’ve even caught myself in mid sentence before and thought, "gosh Heather you’ve got to stop that!".
I know I am flawed in MANY ways! But there are things that my husband does that could absolutely drive me crazy if I allowed it too.
When I was 21, I made a list of things I wanted in a mate. It listed things like….1)put God first in every situation 2) wonderful job and great provider 3) same morals and values that I grew up with 4) wanted a family etc…… I listed about 20 different things. I put that list in my Bible and began to pray over it. I knew that my soul mate was out there and that God did not intend for me to settle. And settle I didn’t! I can tell you that I still have that list and Mark is everything I listed plus some. Is he perfect….NO! I think anyone in a marriage will tell you that it’s the "little" things that get under your skin the most. But, if you’re sincere in your prayer and are asking with an open heart for the Lord to send you exactly who he has in mind for you…..he will do so! And I promise you this…..when the Lord sends that person along….even if she has a few of these characteristics it won’t matter. Good Luck Michael!! She’s out there!
And on a note unrelated to romance and God, have you ever seen this thing before, Michael? Maybe worthy of a post sometime…your impressions, or maybe they’d send you one to test! http://lensbabies.co.uk/index.php
You said, "most of them (normal women) are dating someone or are married." What you may or may not realize is that – *because* these women are dating or married, you probably just don’t get to witness many of the behaviors you listed. I’m like Heather…I’m (ha, well, pretty sure that I’m) fairly normal, but I know I have fallen into a couple of those categories, depending on the time of day, month, or year. I guess what I’m getting at is that no one is 100% normal. Because those that are dating/married are not attached to you, per se, you just may not see some of the behaviors that you may find annoying or irritating. There’s my 2-cents’ worth!
None of the behaviors listed are acceptable. They are annoying! I’m with Michael on this one. He shouldn’t have to tolerate that behavior for the sake of being in a relationship. Sure no one is perfect but there are plenty of people out there that aren’t annoying. I think what he is trying to say is that he seems to be attracting the loonies!! Good luck Michael! I’m sure you will find someone that doesn’t have obnoxious behaviors. We all deserve to be stoked on the person we decide to finally settle with. Keep looking! I’m still looking myself! (:
so, I’ve been on in so. ca for the last 2 weeks and haven’t checked in on your blog. LOL. I picked a great day to catch up. I can’t stop laughing because I think every woman I know has problems like these. And, I will say, that when you find "the one", she too, will have qualities like these, but you will be able to put up with them. They won’t be as annoying as they are now to you — which just goes to show, you have NOT found the right girl yet. She’s out there though. Keep looking, Michael! Nice wedding pics, by the way ….
What makes you ask out a girl to begin with, what about her attracted you to her?
How many chances to give before you cut them off?
What, exactly, are you looking for? Gorgeous, tall, athletic, smart, blond, blue eyed?
I think my favorite comment is to date with both eyes open and fall in love with one eye shut. SO true. I myself and been in one or more of the categories different times of my life. I swear my husband doesn’t tell me stuff but I think now I fall in the asking the question repeatedly over a couple of weeks. I’m sad I never tried the fainting thing…OH the possibilities…I did think of another example for the mushroom category…this one involves perfume…..
This is hillarious! But I have to say I could probably make a list of things that annoy me about Chris, but I could also right a LONG list of things that I love and adore about him. I think he would say the same for me.
Heather understands completely! 🙂 I didn’t pray for my husband because at the time, I didn’t know how, but he’d been praying for me! The way God put us together was supernatural, and the things he’s doing with us and through us is beyond anything I could ever have considered. Is he perfect? No. Am I? No. Do we argue or disagree? Sometimes. Does he ever annoy me or vise versa? Sure. But we get over it quickly. We don’t expect perfection from each other and we don’t run when there’s a negative. We pray through it. For example, if there’s something about him that’s annoying me, I pray until he changes or until God changes my attitude. We don’t have to argue or fuss! We have the same walk with God and a commitment to Him and each other to have the most Godly marriage we can. I’ll say it again….Eph 5:22 is the picture of a Godly marriage. 🙂
lol…tracy- I forgot about that one…it wasnt your fault!
Ha, loved this entry. You know, my cousin Michael and I had a long conversation about dating and marriage and stuff and I remember him saying that there is a lot to be said for being picky. I wholeheartedly agreed. Good luck Michael, she’s out there.
I love to share the story with random people about you breaking up the girl in college b/c of the cream of mushroom soup. It’s just so classic Mike Shiffler, and no one believes that I’m telling the full truth when I share that funny story. Now I have proof. What’s super funny about this post is that there is a girl out there somewhere tied to each of these…so, I don’t know how funny it will be to them, but it makes for great reading for the rest of us.
This is too funny! I stumbled across your site because I bought one of your Canon training DVD’s. I love it. Great sense of humor and I love your work! Good luck finding your future wife…she’s out there somewhere!
OMG…This is hilarious! It reminds me so much of my friend Brittany. Ha-ha!
I gotta say I agree with Gary on this one after 16 years, I adore my wife, she is a beautiful Lady……….but sometimes!!!
Ladies I know what your thinking! Yes I do have times when I really, really get on her last nerve!! I do have selective hearing,as well as the "I don’t remember you telling me that" fever spells oh ya and I snore LOL……..
Its hard to believe that someone as "perdy" as you are is single. Your dilemma seems obvious. You need a woman who is secure, not afraid to be herself, gladly does her own thing and preferably has a career of her own. I wish you luck in finding that special someone! She is out there somewhere! I have been blessed with a second husband whom I love dearly. (My first husband had passed away as a result of a automobile accident when I was 24 and my daughter only 2y)
I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old/young are you?
Here I held out hope… That you were selective and waiting for a God-Given Match.